second wind

So it was about two weeks ago now when I was sitting on my bed that doubles as my couch and, I don't know, probably talking to myself or something, when I got a phone call from my best friend saying she and her boyfriend got a ticket for me to fly out and meet them in Minnesota.  They knew I was bored, and that there was nothing holding me back from taking a vacation, but most importantly we were just missin each other.  So, I spent the next few days bouncing between packing and doing my happy dance, and on that Sunday I was on a plane.

Austin and the boys of Home Free rented an AirBnb on Prior Lake in Minnesota.  When a room opened up, that was my cue to join in on all the lakeside fun AKA taking the boat out to fish, cooking, taking photos, drinking whiskey, laying in the sun, grilling, sitting by the fire, drinking whiskey, making s'mores, talking to geese, and drinking whiskey.  The view from our balcony was stupid.  I felt like I was living inside a film starring Jack Nicholson. 

After I arrived, I quickly threw my bags onto my temporary bed and we gathered into our temporary boat to take a ride to Charlie's, where we ate dinner that night.  On our way back there was a family of geese so we excitedly pulled out our cameras and tried to get the best shot of them we could.

This is a completely accurate representation of what happens to my body when I get excited over a nearby animal.

We spent my first night sitting around a fire, drinking whiskey, laughing (mostly at my expense, because I managed to fall down the stairs and have a beetle fly down my shirt all in a matter of minutes), and then we played with sparklers. 

Day two.  I awoke like 18 hours before Olena and Austin, so I sat at the counter, eating cereal and reading my book, and when they came downstairs, this is sight they were subjected to.

It was Memorial Day, which is usually one of my favorite days of the year.  Back in Jersey we have a huge Memorial Day extravaganza at our shorehouse to kick off the summer, and this is the first year that there has been a party and I haven't been able to attend (obviously aside from the two years we were unable to have a party, THANKS HURRICANE SANDY, THANKS ALOT).  Memorial Day Weekends of the past I have funneled beers before 10 AM, smuggled alcohol onto the beach, Jersey turnpiked at the bar where Snooki got punched, and been accused by my younger cousins of being an alcoholic.  Like a true Jersey lady.  This year I got on a boat with two of my favorite people and learned how to fish.  Not so Jersey girl anymore.

It was a wonderful day with such good company.  I may be a city girl through and through, but by the end of the day I was handling worms and grabbing fish with my bare hands so I guess I'm a little country too.  Get a girl who can do both. ;)

Day three Olena and I went to the Motherland, better known as the Mall of America.  We spent seven hours inside.  Seven.  The guys went to and left the recording studio all before we finished shopping at a mall.  It was beautiful and nothing hurt.  Except for maybe the roller coaster inside the mall that we went on and almost made Olena throw up. 

We got home and Austin was fishing, and the sun started to set and it had to have been one of the top 10 prettiest sunsets I'd ever seen. 

Day four was gloomy so we went to the movies to see The Nice Guys, and when we got back we took an evening ride on the boat.  I don't remember anything specific, just that we laughed a lot.

The only documentation I have of my fifth day on the lake is this Snapchat selfie of Olena, Austin, Chance, and I with face masks on and it's terrifying and amazing and there's really no explanation necessary.  I could barely keep it together every time Chance spoke.  How was I ever supposed to take him seriously like that?

My back has been giving me problems for, I don't know, FOREVER, and it's been an issue I've tried to correct with physical therapy and yoga, but it just doesn't seem to fade away, so Austin made appointments for the three of us to get adjusted by the best chiropractor in Minnesota.  I'd never gone to a chiro before, so I was super nervous, but Dr. Kuch was a true professional and made me feel safe and secure.  I highly recommend him if you're ever in Minnesota!

It was a nasty day, perfect for a sing-a-long car drive.  As we drove to Mankato for our appointments, we belted out to Beyonce and Maren Morris and reveled in their respective musical brilliance and I realized I was in perfect company.  

That night was mine and Olena's last before our triumphant return to LA, so, after our delicious last meal together, we had to take the boat out one last time.  This time we had a specific agenda.  Olena and I are the best of friends.  Like family level friends.  And one day we're gonna be 80 year old nursing home buddies and we may get nostalgic and ask one of our nurses to break out the old best friend photo album from all the years we've been friends.  And you know what's gonna happen?  The nurse is gonna lower the tv that was probably playing an episode of Friends, and she'll turn to us and say, "I'm so sorry ladies.  You two never really took any photos together, remember?"  And then I'd say, "If I wasn't in this wheelchair I'd kick myself right now," and then Olena would try to kick me and somehow end up hurting herself and we'd laugh and kick the nurse out of our room but not before she returned the TV to it's proper volume. 

In an effort to rewrite this sad future I just envisioned for us, we delegated Austin responsible for capturing some photos of us on the boat that evening.

Olena's always the best at capturing photos of me because she sees me better than most people do, if not all people.  Ladies, find yourself a best friend who doesn't give you worthless empty compliments.  Find a best friend who sees you and points out the things she admires about you and lets you know when she thinks you look beautiful, but also can let you know when you're being unreasonable or that your fart smells.  When Olena is taking photos of me it's because she thinks I look worthy of my photo being taken in that moment, which has given me the confidence I've never really had in front of the camera.  

They cast their bait, I photographed and watched.  I was sitting back to take everything in from the week I had spent with my two favorite people and I felt incredibly grateful in that moment.  Especially grateful for Mr. Brown entering my life by way of Olena.  I've never had a friendship quite like ours.  He's like my big brother and my homie and the caretaker of the person closest to me and my supporter all wrapped up into one.  I've always been selective about the men that have entered Olena's life, because she's the person I don't want to see hurt just as much as I don't want myself hurt.  Austin entering her life has been the answer to all the mess that came before.  I'll always be protective over my best friend, but it's comforting knowing that when I'm not with her, she's with the next best thing. ;)

Austin thinks I'm funny, too, and that means I'm keeping him in my life forever.  I can be super weird in front of him because there's no threat of being made fun of or being judged because let's face it, I'm way cooler than him anyway.  Plus he thinks I'm as awesome as I think I am so it's a win win.  My favorite thing about him is that when we're hanging out, I always feel safe.  I never worry about creepy dudes, or being taken advantage of, or any sketch situation when he's there.  He's got a comforting big brother presence about him that I know is going to intimidate all of my future boyfriends, if I ever have any.  He's always down for good conversation and healthy debate, and he always wants the best for me.  He's one of my favorite guys and I'm so grateful for our weird and wonderful Three's Company situation; I don't think I could do it with any other two people. 

The more I go through, the more I experience, the more I learn that life gives you what you need always.  Even when the hurt is so consuming that it seems incomprehensible that anything other than pain can come of it, trust that you are learning and growing.  While things are happening, they just seem like situations and events and circumstances, but when they're over, you realize you just received a gift, or a lesson, or an opportunity for growth, or a decision.  Life handed me these two people as gifts to cherish while I stumble through my existence.  Life handed me this week of memories before I even knew I needed a getaway.  Life has its way of working itself out and this simple week of lake living in Northern America was life's way of handing me my very own second wind.  

I leave you today with this photo as a reminder that if you take my camera and snap a sequence of selfies, you are signing over the privacy of those photos to me and you better believe I'll broadcast them.  Sorry, not sorry Brown.

random inspo

The sunlight gently tiptoes through the open blinds, filling the apartment with a pale and settling glow.  It is four PM, and it’s just me.  The light, though it brightens the earth, has a chill, like you’d still need a second layer to go outdoors.  It gives off light blue and yellow and peach and grey and makes me feel like I am alone in a old shore house in New Jersey during an off peak season.  I sit, racking my brain for the words to articulate the emotions bubbling to the surface, and still I come up blank.  Alone in a house with two floors, begging for more inhabitants.  I reminisce of summers past, in an attempt to find inspiration.  Nothing.  Between every sentence my left hand dives into my bag of dried Californian peaches, as I begrudgingly stuff my face with a snack that pales in comparison to what I’ve been feeding on lately. 

I lean back onto my sorry excuse for a bed, in my room that has no door, in an apartment that does not bare my name.  A sorry excuse for a home.  I lean back, and thoughts and memories and hopes and disappointments whir above my head, clashing against each other with no one thought emerging above the others.  My cell phone dings.  Another casting notice.  Instant feeling of guilt and annoyance.  I’m guilty because of how terrible I’ve been at pursuing my dream, and annoyed at how often a casting notice reminds me of that guilt. 

I’m just a girl, who exists coincidentally in this day, with no clue of how she got here.  I’m just a girl who can’t figure it out.  The closer I get to thinking I have it figured out, there goes another fastball straight to the gut.  

I take another glance out my informal dorm-sized window, and I feel a shock of guilt for the way I’ve let the worst parts of me drag down the best parts of me.  I don’t know whether I’ve been in this room for three days or three years, but the outside feels so unfamiliar and eerie.  Like if I walked outside and spoke to someone, I’d find out firsthand that English was not California’s first language anymore.   It looks quiet, like I could be the only person on earth.  Just me and the birds.  My imagination runs wild with anxiety.  I’ve been having more vivid dreams, dreams that make waking up less desirable.  The longer I am a recluse, the wilder the world of my imagination grows.

So I sit, bathed in the chilly grey light, eyes lightly closed, fantasizing about the day when my life will be together.  When I have a door and address, when I have a therapist, when I am enrolled in acting class, when I have an agent, when I have credibility, when depression doesn’t take it’s form in me through eating habits, when I am having good sex, when I am confident, and when I have all these things that seem so far.  I sit here and fantasize about it, until it hurts to do so.  That’s when I close my laptop. 

IMG_0839.JPG

So, I sat down about an hour ago to air out how I've been feeling, and that piece came out? I realize I've been inactive lately.  I don't have a clear answer for why.  The inactivity has nothing to do with my lack of interest in blogging, so if you we're hoping I'd stop, then I give you some wise words from the man himself, DJ Khaled: "They don't want me to blog, so I blogged."

The more time that passes since I lost my job, the more it sets in.  I think recently I've really been able to wrap my mind around it, and realize that I didn't just lose a part time job.  I lost my structure.  I lost my second family.  I lost some confidence and security.  Most of the time my main character trait is positivity, but for the past few days I've been self-sabotaging.  Of course, I can only let these reflections come pouring out when I'm back on an upswing, because that's the only time I can look at myself rationally and critically.  When I'm smack in the middle of one of those phases, I'm like a bear in hibernation.  I'm embarrassed of myself, so I try to not exist in the real world for a little while.  

But now that I'm on the other side of my minor pity party, I decided to post what I had written this afternoon in an attempt to rebuild.  Also I thought I'd share the newest collection of photos I've taken!  There are photos from the dog cafe which was AMAZING and I would have happily stayed there for hours, (but I only paid for two) photos from a hike that leads to the Hollywood sign, and of another puppy I met at a brewery this week who was just the friendliest guy ever! Enjoy, and leave a comment! (If you wanna, no pressure.)

Thanks for tuning back in and not forgetting about The Jones.  You know, it's really hard to come up with content when your day to day is completely decided by whether or not you want to leave your bed.  For the first time in a long time, LA feels like a foreign city to me and I feel like an alien, so it's harder and harder to leave my apartment.  But, for the good of The Jones, I promise to try a little harder.  

Have a bomb ass week. XO

my choice

Guys.  I've been really happy lately.  I know that shouldn't make sense since I've been alone in the apartment and my job let me go, but I think Justin Timberlake heard about my shitty circumstances and came out with "Can't Stop The Feeling" just for me.  I'm sure you've heard it by now, but if you haven't, stop reading this RIGHT NOW and find it, jam the fuck out for a few minutes, and don't come back until the song is over.  I'll wait.  

Welcome back!  Did you just have a solo dance party?  Cause I do every time I hear it.  I mean, in the past month, though it's been a difficult one, I've been able to look forward.  I've taken myself on hikes, on photography adventures, I've both aced and failed auditions, (but at least I'm getting myself there), I've been to yoga almost every day, I've hung out with people who have become my Los Angeles family, I've even made NEW friends during this time, I've surprised myself by sticking to learning guitar, and LEMONADE IS IN MY LIFE NOW.  I mean, that's enough to cheer any girl up forever.  I take Vitamin D every day, and I think that combined with the LA sunshine, healthy eating, Radiohead putting out a new album, and actually booking something (that I can't talk about yet!!!) has me looking at my life through rejuvenated eyes.  I honestly feel amazing.  I feel beautiful, I feel proud, I feel confident, and I feel joyous. 

I do feel like I have to mention something before I move on.  I feel like my blog has become these seemingly hopeful pep talks where I have to tie in that I'm not just some unrealistic, anti-pessimism robot, to make others feel they can relate to me.  I still have bad days all the time.  I feel like a broken record saying that.  But that's what comes out of me when I sit here typing away, because that's what means the most to me.  I never want someone to read this blog and feel like they can't relate because I'm so positive these days, or misinterpret my excitement for bragging.  Do you have any idea what it took to get to this point?  Guys.  A year and a half ago I was severely depressed.  I mean, I doubt I went a day without crying, or tearing myself apart, or bingeing on junk food and counteracting with overexertion.  It took so much work to get to today. 

I'm going to say something that I've never told anyone, and that I've never even said out loud.  On my 23rd birthday, I was the loneliest person on the planet.  I felt like a burden to the people in my life.  I made no plans, and stayed far away from technology, because I knew I'd have to read message after message of well wishes, from people who had no intention of actually celebrating with me.  I sat on the fire escape of my sixth floor walk up Washington Heights apartment, weeping, and for a few minutes I imagined what would happen if I jumped.  It was my darkest moment, my lowest of lows, to actually fantasize about making the lives of the people around me better by disappearing.  Of course, just the fleeting thought was enough to make me cry harder, realizing how selfish and irrational I was, get off the fire escape, and close the damn window.  I would have NEVER acted on a thought like that, even at my lowest, but it bothered me to my core that I even had the thought.  

Here I am, 20 months later, and I am the most consistently happy I've ever been.  Every day it's a choice.  To love my body for its capabilities and health instead of how chiseled it's not, to dismiss the negativity that creeps its way back in, to look at how far I've come instead of how far I have to go.  Happiness is my choice.  It's not like I wake up every morning like a Disney princess on prozac, instead I wake up and take conscious steps to make my life better.  I choose to pick up new hobbies, like photography, and guitar, and blogging.  I choose make my bed in the morning and open my blinds and dance to Justin Timberlake like no ones watching even though I've definitely seen my neighbor catch a glimpse a few times.  

So I'm celebrating this victory of mine!  And this is my blog, my diary, my account of my own life.  Yes, I've opened it up to the public to be viewed and criticized, but it's not mandatory, so if you feel like I'm shoving happiness down your throat or that I'm getting too braggy or preachy, then close out of this tab and find a way to make your life one with less judgement, and maybe get yourself a jar of Vitamin D gummies.  

Um, wow, unexpected rant there.  I just came here to upload some photos, but then I word vomited.  I've taken a bunch of pictures in the last two weeks, so enjoy!

Straddling Neptune's orbit!

Taken at 3:35 PM.  (It's a sun dial)

That brings us to the end of this blog post!  Tonight I pick O up from the airport and we'll probably hug for about 4 hours and then talk for 12, but after that I'm sure we'll go on some adventure that I'll end up documenting here.  We always do.  I hope whatever kind of day or week or year you're having, you are able to look at all the blessings around you, and feel comforted and loved.  You are never the only one experiencing something, and people will surprise you, if you let them in.  And listen to Lemonade.  Have a kickass day, friends!

XO