Did you miss me?

I bet you thought I'd given up on this little website.  I bet you thought you'd never again have to see one of my awful attempts at self promotion linking you to this page via Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram.  Maybe you were disappointed, maybe you were relieved, maybe you didn't even notice.  Well joke's on you!  You can't get away from me that easy!  I'm like that incessant ex we all have that pops out of the woodwork every once in a while just to remind us that we'll never be rid of them.  

I have thought and feared about my absence from this outlet I love so much pretty much every day since my last blog post went up in Mid-July.  I have no excuse good enough for how long it's been.  Not that you were sitting here refreshing my page every few minutes for the last three months awaiting the arrival of a new blog post from yours truly, but I feel the need to explain.  

From just about the moment I got off the plane at LAX (don't do it don't do it.....WITH A DREAM AND A CARDIGAN...I'm sorry...I hate me, too.) from my summer trip to Jersey, I've been on a serious grind in the least sarcastic use of that word possible.  I literally got hired at a new job that next day, and it seems like every day since a new responsibility (or what feels like another hurdle) pops up.  Even as I began to craft this post several weeks ago, I felt guilty because I SHOULD have been editing a video for Home Free, another responsibility I'd taken on.  But when that writing itch appears, I've got to scratch it.  

I know a few of my people back home have not so patiently been waiting for this post, (LOOKIN AT YOU SPRINGER) and while I know I usually recount trips like these on my blog in detail, I've decided against it this time.  So much time has passed since this trip, I don't want to spend too much of my present day trying to piece together two weeks of my life that happened three months ago.  

What is worth mentioning is that I spent thirteen fun-filled and heartwarming days in my favorite places on Earth: the Jersey Shore, my home, and New York City.  I was surrounded by friends and family 100% of my visit, although sadly I didn't get to see everyone I wanted to.  Memories were created, people surprised me, many laughs were had, drinks were shared, and all the hugs.

In the weeks leading up to my trip home, the only plans I had set were that I'd be attending the wedding of one of my oldest and dearest friends (which is the whole reason I flew home anyway), and that I'd be spending a good majority of the rest of my time in my favorite place to let loose, the Jersey Shore, made popular by MTV'S "The Jersey Shore," made wonderful by literally everything but that.  What I did NOT know is that one of my best friends (hi Sar love you) would surprise me at the airport and upon arrival have a plan for the next three days in which a few of our friends would meet us at my shore house for three days of all-day-boozin, deathdrops, and debauchery. I don't know what I did to deserve them, but I'm a lucky girl.

If you know nothing else about me, know that the Jersey Shore is the most precious place in the world to me.  You can make fun of pretty much anything else about me, but do NOT come for my home state.  When people make fun of New Jersey I literally feel like they are shit talking a family member. (I literally have never sounded more like I'm from New Jersey than I do right now.)  But I mean come on!  Look at it!  Nothing makes me happier than being here.  

These two photos make me laugh so much.  It looks like my father is very upset about something and my cousin Matt is consoling him.  Just imagine it, "I clearly said I wanted the PINK lollipop and he grabbed it and left me with ORANGE!"  "It's okay Uncle Ricky, there'll be more lollipops." "You're right Matt, thanks. It's just hard y'know?" "I know."

Try and argue with me now that New Jersey isn't a beautiful state.  God, I love it so much it's disgusting.

Literally someone needs to put us in a cage.

Being with the people who became my family in college always makes me feel so fuzzy inside.  I wish money wasn't a factor and I could fly my friends out to LA whenever I wanted, because I feel most at home no matter where I am as long as I'm with them.  

July 4th was spent at a backyard party in Alphabet City with my favorite dude, and we watched the fireworks from a rooftop and I got the New York feels.  Man is it hard to be away from this city.  Could someone make me famous now so I can move back already?

I have been friends with Kristin for twenty years.  Our friendship, however, is just as fresh as it is old.  I still think she's the funniest person I know, and every time we get to hang out, it's non stop laughter and sisterhood.  We went to Hoboken, drank, gossiped, laughed, and sang loudly to Bruce Springsteen, which is pretty standard for us.  It's so fun to grow up with someone and still be obsessed with them.  

What would a trip home be without a day in the city with my family? We walked around the West Village, laughed a lot, ate the yummiest dinner at The Little Owl, which for all you 'Friends' fans out there, is located on the first floor of the apartment building used as the exterior for Monica and Chandler's apartment!  Next time you're in the city you have to eat there, and say hello to the goddess that is Amy the hostess (aka one of my best friends) and tell her I love her.  Also, for dessert, order her cookies because they're heaven on Earth.  

The day I flew home to be there for arrives.  My little Shmels (that's Kelsey to you people) says I do to the man of her dreams and I get to be there to witness it.  
Kelsey and I met in dance class when we were just tiny little humans.  We became like sisters to one another, and to this day, she is still one of the most influential people in my life.  She is two years older than me, so naturally, growing up, I wanted to be her.  I'd literally be doing something and think "What would Kels do?"  Seriously, she was my best friend but also my role model, and I believe that having her to look up to led me away from some terrible choices I could have made. 
Back in the day, we were both bridesmaids in our dance teacher, Susie's wedding, and on the way to the wedding we talked about how crazy it's going to be when one of us actually gets married.  Fast forward to July 10, 2016, and I am sitting in the third row of chairs on the bride's side, watching a person so special to me have the best day of her life.  Cue the tears.  It was a wonderful night, full of love and so much dancing, to celebrate a beautiful couple.  

Yes, I know this picture of us is super grainy and yes, that's because it's a cell phone photo that Shmels took of the image on her computer and sent to me, and it's too precious not to post but Shmels, if you're reading this, I literally check Facebook every day to see if the photo album went up.  Just like the old days when I'd pester you to put photos up until you caved.  I'm so annoying, I know.  But you love meee :)

Also, the lady to my right who, moments before this photo, instructed me to place my hand on my hip, is my smoke show of a dance teacher.  She was the first person who believed in me who I wasn't related to, and I'm so grateful to her.

People would sometimes mistake us for mother and daughter, and even sisters, and I was low key stoked every time.  I don't know who I'd be if I never followed Susie when she opened up her own dance studio all those years ago.

I could go on an on about my favorite place, about my favorite smells, my favorite meals, my favorite people, my favorite accents.  I could ramble about it all day, but then I wouldn't be able to be present and enjoy where I am at right now.  Every time I go home is a life affirming trip, because it reminds me why I left.  I left New Jersey to make life better for myself and for my family.  I left New Jersey to make the dreams I've had since I was performing concerts in my living room for my parents at age 3 a reality.  I left New Jersey so that one day, I will be able to return in success.  I left New Jersey so I could miss New Jersey.  

As hard as it is every day to be so detached from my home base, I've honestly never felt more attached.  I'm proud to be from New Jersey, I'm proud to be from the family I'm from, proud to have the friendships I do, and every time I leave, I get to look forward to the next trip, and it never feels that far away.  

See you in December, east coast!

And, if you made it this far, thank you for allowing me to take some time to work on me, so that I could come back and write confidently!  I've been playing with my camera so much these days and I can't wait to start showing you what I've been up to these past three months!! (Aside from slaving away at my new job and scrounging up every penny I have, since that's what my life has predominantly consisted of.  ADULTHOOD IS FUN, KIDS.)

Have a beautiful weekend and year and life. See you soon!

Xo

Mondays, am I right?

One of those days where my fingers want to move and my brain wants to flow so I take to this platform as my free therapy session.  No real direction is being formed, I just feel heavy in my chest and want to exercise my favorite method of recuperation.  Is recuperation a word?  Too lazy to look it up.  You can let me know if I just made it up, because even if I did, I'm alright with that. 

It is my fifth day back in sunny SoCal, and I feel like I'm coming back with a purpose, with force and determination.  Several good things have been happening since my return, so it's hard to pinpoint where this fatigue I feel is coming from.  Of course, it probably has something to do with the fact that I haven't given myself a period of rest in about a month, maybe longer.  You may be thinking, "Sami you spoiled little brat.  In the last month you've been unemployed, traveled to Santa Barbara and San Fransisco, and gotten to spend two weeks at home with your loved ones.  Wow, you're really transforming into a Kardashian living out there in LA, appreciate what you have and stop whining about being tired."  And to that I'd say, YUUUP.  100% correct.  Granted, my trip home was nowhere near relaxing, and I promise I'll get to that when I have a full day to work on that post, but trust me when I say it was more stressful than it was relaxing by a long shot.  But I need to fucking quit feeling sorry for myself for being exhausted.  I chose this life.  I chose this life the second I agreed to play Maria in West Side Story my sophomore year of high school.  

Here's something not many people know about me: I was an architecture student.  In my high school we had an incredible architecture program under one of the greatest influencers I was lucky enough to have growing up.  (Mr. Saccente what's good?!)  I spent five years (no, I wasn't held back, I started high school in the 8th grade) learning and honing this skill, and when the time to pick majors and apply for colleges arrived, I had a decision to make.  Lucky enough for me, it was a clear one; a decision I spent barely any time at all making.  From the moment I arrived at my first rehearsal for my first leading role in a musical, my fate was sealed.  I have never regretted my path since that day.  But I could use a reminder every now and again.  I chose this life.  If I had chosen architecture, I could be living on my own working a stable job making an actual income and a decent living.  Yet, here I am.  Rather than sit here and keep feeling sorry for myself because of the situation I HAVE PUT MYSELF IN, I think it'd be valuable to type these words out and have to read it for myself to see how silly it is to be frustrated.  It's a waste of time.  

People from my alma mater have come to me for advice from time to time.  I'm not sure why, because I'm a flailing mess, and I'm unclear as to why others would want to take after me at all.  That being said, I'm a risk taker, and I think others may see my spontaneity as inspiring?  Not sure.  Either way, if anyone reading is someone that has come to me for advice, the next thing I have to say is the BIGGEST lesson I have learned in post-grad life.

You think you know the way the rest of your life is going to be shaped.  You are going to be disappointed.  Your life is not going to move as fast as you'd like it to.  You may have a timeline for the things you want to do and achieve.  Let go of that AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.  No, now.  Let go of that timeline now.  You may think you're prepared for the next chapter of your life, but you're straight up just not.  I'm not trying to scare you, or maybe I am, but you need to be prepared.  The beauty of the next few years of your life is just how hard they turn out to be.  The first few years post grad, you'll see a lot of your friends start changing their paths, taking random jobs or going down a different course that doesn't match their degree.  Support them.  Be there for them.  This industry is the most difficult one, and everyone thinks they're cut out for it while at college surrounded by supporters and helping hands, but then the real world says "SURPRISE!" and slams a door in your face.  The people who decide after all that time and money spent, that they want to go down a different path are going to need encouragement and lots of love and friendship, so make sure you're there to give it to them.  The few years post grad are there to test you.  It's exactly like the first time your parents take the training wheels off of your bicycle.  You think you've become the master at the skill you've been practicing for four years, and then life takes your training wheels off and you forget everything you've been taught and panic sets in.  

If you're like me (a psycho) and still choose to act after those first few years go by post-graduation, then you have what it takes to make it, as long as you keep climbing that ladder, and any hardship that you face following that point is ON YOU.  You will have shitty jobs.  You will have shitty living situations.  You will feel alone.  You will live paycheck to paycheck.  You will want to be eating healthy but only be able to afford snacks and frozen meals.  You need to accept that life is going to be really hard for a long time and the only person making your life so hard is yourself.  I know it seems impossible, and I'm really talking to myself because I need to hear this right now, but you need to limit your complaints as much as you can.  

Every time I go into one of my suitcases to find an outfit and get frustrated over the fact that I'm still living out of them, I have to step back and think about what life would have been like if I had chosen architecture.  No one else chose this life for me but myself, and I have to believe it will work itself out and one day I'll romanticize this time in my life and be thankful for it for making me appreciate all the good that came of it.  

You should also prepare yourself for a few years of heartbreak.  I think this generation, myself very much included, is too protective of our hearts.  You can't protect yourself forever.  You're in your early twenties.  You are going to get hurt.  A lot.  You're supposed to.  By a lot of different people.  By the same person multiple times.  By your friends, too.  You don't usually factor in the damage to your heart that your own friends can do, but it happens.  Learn to forgive, because the people who you have accumulated in your life are there for a reason, and you will need them to get through this transitional period.  Let yourself get hurt.  Let people take you out on dates if they want to.  Let that guy buy you that drink if he wants.  This is the age of experimentation.  Knocking down the fortress you've spent your whole life building around your heart, though it sounds scary, is necessary.  If you don't, you'll be left alone, and you won't understand why you're single when you think you're such a catch.  You've done it to yourself.  Make mistakes.  Make them often.  They say when you meet your partner, you know.  Well, you'll never know if you never open yourself to the possibility.  Say yes more, and don't put too much pressure on yourself to find the person you're going to marry this early in life.  

 

I don't know, I just said a lot of shit.  I hope it made sense.  Ultimately, most of the lessons you learn in your life come from some pretty awful experiences.  That's how you grow.  That's how you become the person you're going to be.  Read a lot.  It helps.  Make playlists for every mood.  That helps, too.  And above all else, remember that if you are in good health and you have people who love you, you are doing far better than you think you are, and you will make it to the other side of whatever you're going through.  

I love you people, unless I don't know you.  Then, I just appreciate you a lot.  Have a really wonderful week and try not to take whatever you're going through out on anyone else.  Unless they physically harmed you in some way, then you're allowed to kick some ass.  Tell them I told you so.  

Thanks for reading, beautiful humans! Xo

real friends

I've been back in LA for 36 hours now and already I'm bored.  O gets back to me tomorrow night, so until then I've just been trying to fill my time with business and errands and tasks and such. I already got myself a job, can you believe it!? First day back and I got hired on the spot at my first interview.  Finally, this town might be starting to see what a catch I am.  If only the restaurant industry could just pass the message along to the men of Los Angeles, that'd really solve some issues.  

If you're following me on my social media platforms, you know that I was just home on the east coast for two weeks, celebrating a dear friend's wedding, the fourth of July, and a friend's 21st birthday.  It was a hectic and stressful 13 days, to say the least.  If you're not following me on my social media platforms, that's a bad life choice on your part.  @samimatarante on Instagram and Twitter, go add me right now.  I'll wait here til you're done.  

So I'm assuming you're all expecting a blog entry about that trip.  Well, just like Julie Chen says three times a week on Big Brother, "Expect the unexpected."  You all thought you were about to read a blog all about how wonderful my time in New Jersey was, but I'm here with something else to blog about.  You say I was too much of a lazy sack of shit to post this earlier and now I'm playing catch up; I say I just like to keep you guys on your toes.  All about perspective.

So, pretty much immediately after I hit publish on my last big post in June, I got a text from my former roommate and current friend, Maddy, asking me if I'd like to take a spur of the moment trip to the Bay Area.  As quickly as I read the text, I was sending an "I'm so down" text back to her.  I literally had just enough time to pack a bag and take a yoga class before I headed out her way to start our trip.  

I hadn't seen Maddy in a little while, but she was the first real friend I made in Los Angeles and every time I see her we pick up where we left off.  Most importantly, she has a dog named Muggsy, and he's the best damn animal on the planet and when Maddy and I lived together, I also got to spend every day with his little smushy face and I've missed him every day since we moved out.  So when I found out he was coming with us, that was like the perfectly fresh basil on top of the perfect pepperoni pizza.  (Forgive me, I just got back from New Jersey.  I've eaten a lot of pizza in the last few weeks.)  

LOOK AT HIS SMUSHY LITTLE FACE

Dog or gremlin? Jury's still out.

So the three of us ventured up to Oakland, where we spent the first night, and Maddy showed me all around her old stomping grounds.  She went to college at Berkeley, so we got lunch around there.  After we had our fill, we ventured out to San Francisco, a city I've been wanting to visit forever.  

Even to this day, having lived in Los Angeles for almost two years now, I still feel like this is not the city for me.  It is the perfect place for me to be right now, and there are definitely times when I'm wearing sunglasses drinking a pressed juice as I get into my yellow Volkswagen Beetle after a yoga class, when I realize I may fit in better than I think I do, but for the most part, there's no feeling like when I'm on the east coast.  I've always felt that if there were a city I'd fit into on the west coast, it'd most likely be San Fransisco.  I was right.  

I fell instantaneously head over heels for this city, with all it's hills and history and vibrance and mellow vibe.  I mean if I were way way richer and didn't want to be an actor anymore, I know exactly where I'd relocate to.  

Maddy's sister lives on the street where Mrs. Doubtfire takes place, so I got super touristy and took my camera out every chance I could.  

Later in the day, we went to Dolores Park in the Mission area of SF, where you're allowed to openly drink, so of course we took advantage.  We sat there soaking up the last hours of sunlight, drinking beers, and listening to Maddy's tales about her recent trip to Southeast Asia.  

The entire Mission area felt so familiar.  At first I couldn't place why, but I realized it felt very similar to Brooklyn.  Graffiti-covered walls, hipsters on bikes, and countless cool bars and shops.  I was extremely close to going on rental websites and seeing how much a room would be to rent.  

That night we cheers-ed to Maddy's birthday, and drank shitty tequila & ginger beer, and I was already planning the next time I'd come to this city in my head. 

The next day was Maddy's actual birthday, and we both kind of just wanted to lounge around, eat really good comfort food, nap, and hang around the house, so that's what we did.  Later on in the early evening, we finally made it out to walk around, get Maddy a cupcake, and take a quick look at the Golden Gate Bridge.  It was super foggy, so I doubted I'd be able to see it in all it's glory, but it was worth a shot anyway.

This is Maddy and I.  We also took a nice smiling picture, but this is way more true to who we are.

As you can (barely) see, it was an extremely overcast and hazy day.  Usually my favorite time to take photos, but in this case, I was minutely disappointed that these vague pictures are all I have to show for my Golden Gate Bridge experience.  But I decided not to get too upset, because I'd definitely be visiting again, and SOON. 

The streets and houses were so reminiscent of London, and parts of New York, that this foreign city immediately felt like home.  

Honestly, I've already been planning my next trip to San Francisco.  I had the best time with Maddy, her sister Erin, her brother Brian, and all the other great people we spent time with while we were there.  It is one of the few cities in the world that I have felt so connected to I could picture myself living in.  

We got back with just enough time for me to clean my apartment, grab brunch with Rachel, pack my bags, and head to the airport for my trip home.  It was the perfect escape, another one I didn't know I needed until it was over.  I was so sad after the departure of my friend Dylan, that I needed a distraction to fill the last few days before my flight to New Jersey, and what did I get? 

I promise, people.  Put goodness and positivity out into the world, and it will come back to you.

I hope this little excerpt was enough to keep you interested while I work on my next post all about the saga that was my trip home to Jersey.  It was a doozy, and I'll warn you now there's going to be a lot comin' at ya.  
Until then, I've got a new job, Olena's return to my arms, and auditions to worry about, so I hope this entry was enough to keep you intrigued for a little while longer! Thanks for reading, as always, and be sure to comment and share this with friends, loved ones, hated ones, coworkers, your pets, the government, the Jonas Brothers, the bagger at the grocery store; I'm not picky, whoever!

Have a kickass weekend! Xo