Life is fucking hard sometimes. I'm sorry, Mom and Dad. But it is. It's really fucking hard sometimes. A lot of the times. Most times. I'm actually convinced life is really fucking hard all of the time and your happiness depends on how you choose to deal with that. Life throws you curveballs every day that you have to decide how you are going to move forward with. Are you going to give way to the stress and let it consume you? Are you going to ignore the stress and hide in a corner willing the problems away? Are you going to fight off the stress with all the might you have? Or are you simply going to take a deep breath, smile, and decide that everything is okay, acknowledging the problem while also choosing it isn't that big of a deal?
I have chosen every single one of these methods to deal with problems. Throughout my life I've dealt with stress in many forms. Stress has come to me in the forms of depression, anxiety, and body dysmorphia. I have experienced all individually, and together. It's a beast you can't quite accurately describe.
Having to deal with these kinds of pressures is not what you would hope to deal with, but I have grown to see these parts of my life as blessings in a dark and cruel disguise. Being a twenty-something in Los Angeles comes with a lot of triggers. The Sami of a few years ago would not have been able to handle the things Sami of today is having to go through and witness every day. Every day I meet people who have it all. Every day I talk to people whose lives are coming together; whose careers are taking off/already established; who have a roof over their head; who have a large circle of supporters surrounding them; who have the time to take care of their car, or take a yoga class; who have bodies and faces that prior I'd only seen in magazines; who have enough time/emotional capacity for a romantic relationship in their lives. Seeing what other people all around me have that I don't have would have been enough to send myself into a spiraling downfall into emotional paralysis.
The beautiful thing about living with depression or anxiety is that you have a lifetime of experience of how to deal; how to cope. People think of mental illness in a sort of romantic sense. "That girl is so sad and troubled, it's beautiful. She's dealing with so much I want to hold her and help her." It sickens me. It's anything but romantic, and shame on you for seeing someone else's pain as your gain. But what it IS, is resourceful. I know my limits. I know my triggers. I know when to recognize when it's not me talking, but my anxiety. I know how to shut that all off, and to smile and keep going with my day. I know now how to not compare myself to others, how to have a healthy relationship with food, how to solve problems instead of cowering under them.
That being said, some days are harder than most. My period just ended so those weeks are always a literal shit show. I feel like some kind of dinosaur that scientists let slip through the cracks. I feel like because I do so well on a day to day basis, there are times when I am allowed and have earned a good solid cry. Right now is one of those times. When life sucks something right out of your hands, it's okay to feel that loss. It's okay to feel, it's okay to be confused, it's okay to be angry at life, and it's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to cry in the shower, it's okay to feel like screaming. As long as you recognize that those are reactions to an issue that has been presented in your life, and that there are other options. There is room for tears, and then room to pick yourself back up and move forward.
Trust me when I say that this post is my way of melting down. My way of shouting from the top of a mountain that LIFE FUCKING SUCKS. After I hit Publish, I will have my deep breath and smile. I will spend the rest of my day laughing and living, now that I have gotten this out.
If you are going through something in your life, know that letting it out is necessary. Succumbing to the pain might be easier, but it is always the better choice to feel, and to live.
